Lately my mind has been focused on vengeance. My dreams, my thoughts, my feelings, and yes much of this comes with anger.
And not a little of it with regret, regret that the vengeance I want to take, I will never be able to, since the fucker is already dead. But, that’s a story for another day. All these thoughts have made me realize that I have a certain ‘gift’ for let’s call it getting even with people who have wronged me, and those people have mostly been my siblings.
I was an evil little bitch from hell. Things I have done to get even: empty and then refill my brother’s favorite bottle of cologne with water and put it nicely back in its’ place. Release one of my siblings’ pet birds from her cage. Take every piece of clothing out of one of sister’s closet wet it and rehang it. Tell my mom every one of their secrets. Tell their boyfriend/girlfriend they were cheating. Although in my defense, they should not be doing those last two things. Just to name a few. Evil. Fucking. Little. Bitch.
This story is funny is a funny one, at least to me, and involves my sister, Sam. As it almost always does? When I was around 16 or so Sam pissed me off. I don’t remember why. Maybe she would not let me go out with friends, or maybe she would not let me borrow something of hers, or maybe I don’t know. Whatever? Whatever it was, she pissed me off.
When she was out, I went to a pond, grabbed the longest water snake I could find, and headed home. We had this gate with a chain wrapped around it and I had a plan. I waited until I saw my sister riding up the street on her little Honda Elite 80 scooter and removed the chain from the gate and carefully wrapped the snake around the gate. And no, it did not occur to me to wonder if the snake was poisonous. I grew up around snakes. I was the kind of kid who would be climbing a mango tree, look over, see a snake, and casually toss it off the branch. That was me.
Anyway, Sam pulls up to the gate and waits for our security guard or one of us, kids, to open the gate for her. But no! I had already given the guard, my younger brother, and niece instructions not to open the fucking gate. I am bossy like that and people listen. So, Sam stands up balances the scooter between her legs and reaches for the chain and puts her hand on the snake.
It was so, so much better than I had fantasized. The snake immediately moved onto her arm and started climbing. Her scream was blood curdling. Sam dropped her scooter and ran screaming up the street. Did I mention her greatest fear in life is snakes? Oh, I may have forgotten to mention that fact. There is also something else when my sister gets scared she tends to take off her clothes. There she was running down the street now in nothing but her bra and panties, screaming.
I grabbed my bag – which I had already packed – picked up her scooter and rode off. And no, I did not have a permit or a license (these things did not matter to 16-year-old me). I spent the next two nights at a friend’s house. Huh, maybe I was mad at her for not letting me hang out with my friends.